How can you tell if your human is dead?

If they can't use a can opener they're definitely dead, even if they're still moving!

They don't object to you eating a mouse on the best sofa.

They smell worse than the local rubbish dump. Mind you, this doesn't necessarily mean they've died!

If there's lots of flies for you to catch in their kitchen. This could just mean they're very bad at washing up.

Nobody complains if you leave little presents and various bodily excretions on the carpets.

Nobody complains if you retexture the wallpaper.

No one pollutes your favourite drinking bowl, the toilet.

You can spray anything in the house and it improves the smell.

You can eat the plants to your hearts content.

You can dig the soil out of plant pots and use it as nature intended without having to hide under the bed afterwards.

Smashing prized ornaments gives you endless hours of enjoyment without repercussions.

The Dreaded Hoover stays in its cupboard. Note: Of course in male only households this is the case anyway.

You can help yourself to the food in the fridge and the cupboards but the usual violent and noisy aftermath doesn't happen.

You can throw a party for the neighborhood cats with all your favourite activities (fighting, spraying the furniture, destruction of property, eating everything in sight) without the usual angry scene.

You can relax and have a jolly good time. However, they may not be dead.

They may have gone away for the weekend. In which case you're in BIG trouble!