Always lick after meals.

When in doubt, chase something.

Keep your tail away from stoves, candles, lit cigarettes, garbage disposals, automatic dishwasher doors, children, rocking chairs, and dogs. Remember, God only gave you one tail - take good care of it.

Be adorable.

Don't worry about what other cats think of you. Remember, the cats who often do the most with their lives are the ones who were laughed at, ridiculed, or made fun of as kittens.

Stay out of automobile engines.

Stay out of open windows during thunderstorms.

Stay indoors on Halloween and the Fourth of July.

Surprise someone by hiding in the clothes hamper.

Christmas trees were meant to be climbed.

Long naps never go out of fashion.

Just say no to catnip.

Avoid cleaning your private parts in public places.

Forgive your enemies - but only after you've given them a couple of swats.

Never go back to a veterinarian who discusses his of her stock portfolio while taking your temperature.

Learn to recognize the sound of cereal being poured into a bowl; milk usually follows.

When depressed or confused, try lying on your back with your legs in the air; sometimes the world just looks better upside down.

No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

Avoid antifreeze, tinsel, broken Christmas tree ornaments, straight pins, paper clips, rubber bands, strange pills lying on the bathroom floor, Styrofoam packing nuggets (they can clog you up), and mice you suspect have just eaten d-Con rat poisoning.

Help with jigsaw puzzles.

Cuddle with someone you love on snowy afternoons.

When a friend wants to lick you, let them.

Avoid vacuum cleaners.

Stay off swimming pool diving boards.

Don't sit or sleep on the microwave oven when it's in operation. You don't know what it might be doing to you.

Watch out for human feet.

Stay out of the clothes dryer.

Run away and hide the moment you hear any group of human beings speculating about whether cats always land on their feet.

Learn the difference between a pair of shoes and a litterbox.

Climb the living room drapes to develop upper body strength.

Resist an urge to leap onto the ceiling fan, especially when it's in motion.

Never be discouraged by the words "No", "Stop that", or "Bad cat".

Chase and bite human toes through the bedcovers.

Surprise the entire household by unrolling all the toilet paper at night.

Force people to throw you off their laps at least three times before conceding that they actually mean it.

The three best late-night activities are chasing a ping-pong ball around the bathtub, dragging underwear, pantyhose, and socks from room to room, amd climbing and hanging from the window screens while wailing loudly.

Refuse to tolerate being locked out of the bedroom for any reason whatsoever.

Shed your heart out.

Beware of water pistols.

Find any excuse to run up and down the stairs dementedly.

Learn to appreciate fine books - especially when someone else is reading them.

Lay claim to every jacket, sweater, and shirt as soon as it lands on a chair.

Knock small things off of counters.

Sleep under table lamps, on the answering machine, and in the middle of the hallway.

Chase all shoelaces.

Make the world your scratching post.

Never sleep alone.